


Best Captain

by starinvoid (geekns)



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1996-07-01
Updated: 1996-07-01
Packaged: 2018-12-04 06:38:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11549580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geekns/pseuds/starinvoid
Summary: Little romp where i roast our favorite Starfleet captains after stranding them on a planet you would have seen in TOS.  Complete and utter crackfic.  Not meant to be taken seriously, far more satirical in nature.





	Best Captain

**Author's Note:**

> i don't own Star Trek, yada, yada, yada.
> 
> This story was my first successful attempt at writing fanfiction and an oddity for being a one-off and not at all shippy.

The Captain beamed down to a desert planet.  This sphere being particularly dry, the only plant life was the yellowed grass that the resident rodents fed off of.  The wind whistled, giving the rocky terrain an eerie, empty feeling, and leaving one claustrophobic despite the nothingness one was surrounded by.  It almost made him change his mind about what he was about to do... almost.

James Tiberius Kirk:  a name known throughout the Alpha Quadrant for his... unique personality.  A great explorer in his day, he was now little more than a name to whom Starfleet had offered their thanks as they debriefed him for the final time.  But Kirk could still hold his own, even if he was retired.

Recently, a bit of time travel had allowed his horizons to be broadened in a way never before thought possible.  The trip had been a huge success, and would have remained as such, had he not bumped into an all-powerful being named Q.  Strangely similar to a once-great individual known as Trelane, Q was every bit the self-confident, egotistical being.

Q had heard of Kirk, and scoffed at the pranks pulled and feats once accomplished by a trivial human.  Q would much rather discuss the naivete of Jean-Luc Picard, the insolent Benjamin Sisko, or the beauty of "Kathy" (a woman later identified as Kathryn Janeway).  All were captains, and all were from the future.  Later that day, Kirk devised the plan.

Kirk had waited a long time for this day.  As he manipulated a futuristic device that Scotty had found on some far off planet, Kirk went over his plan again.  It was flawless, it was bound to succeed.  It was finally time for the event of the millennium.  The modifications to the device were complete.  Kirk pressed the button.

Christopher Pike, the first captain of the USS  _Enterprise_ , was more than a little surprised to find himself suddenly transported to an alien landscape.  A man still in his prime, Pike looked up from his log in shock, and with good reason:  who expects to be transported to the future?  Kirk stepped forward, hand offered, and introduced himself.  Then he started in on the real reason that Pike was there:

"I need to ask a favor of you, Captain."

*** * * * ***

Pike hadn't wanted to participate, but Kirk wasn't easily deterred.  He had planned for over a year, and wasn't about to change his mind.  They debated it for hours, and finally Kirk issued the ultimate threat:  if Pike wouldn't cooperate, then he would have to remain on this barren wasteland for eternity.  Pike finally agreed to oversee the competition: he would act as referee.

After a few more modifications to the gadget that had brought Pike to this deserted terrain, Kirk was ready to bring the next person to his playground...

And so he did:  within minutes, there were three more captains standing next to Kirk and Pike.  Jean-Luc Picard was more than a little surprised to meet Kirk again, having seen him die on Veridian III.  None the less, Picard was the first to speak:

"What is going on?" he fumed.

"You decide to get straight to the point:  I like that," Kirk mused.

"Why have you brought us here?" Janeway asked.

"Well, let's just say that Q was very forthcoming about the three of you, and I've decided it's time to have a little picnic."

"Where have you met Q?" Picard asked.  Kirk allowed the silence to hang for a few moments:

"The future."

"Well, you certainly didn't pick the best place to arrange a meeting," Sisko scanned the sparsely populated area.  "Where are we, the dead end of the galaxy?  Surely you could have chosen Bajor, or even Risa."

"Not remote enough for him," Pike answered under his breath.

"Some used to call Bajor and Starbase  _Deep Space Nine_  dead ends," Kirk pointed out.  "Before long, the universe will think of this place as where Kirk defeated the best of the best."

"I doubt that you'll get many fans in the Delta Quadrant," Janeway quipped.  "Tell me, Captain, how many regulations have you broken to get us here?  And what about him?  I doubt that you knew Christopher Pike before..." she stopped herself from saying what she was thinking.

"What's she talking about?" asked Pike.

"Shut up," Kirk seethed.  "I don't care about regulations, and unless you listen and do as your told, you're going to spend the rest of your life on this dustball."  Kirk let the silence hang, and then, without a moment's hesitation, began to explain the rules of his game.

*** * * * ***

"Does everyone understand?"  Pike asked.  Everyone nodded, and Pike turned to Kirk:  "Ready when you are."

"Ready," Kirk stated.  All eyes on Picard, he merely shrugged, wiping the sweat off his brow.

"Choose your weapon," Pike pointed to the chest that contained firearms from around the galaxy and throughout time.  Kirk chose a phaser from his era, checking which setting it was on.  Picard took a phaser from his era, Type II.  Both stepped onto the arena, Pike sat down in his chair:

"Round One," he stated.  "Begin."  Kirk circled like a vulture, Picard just stood there:

"I really don't see the point of this," Picard said.  "Can we stop this foolishness and talk this out like two civilized men?"

Kirk stopped circling.  He lifted his hand...  and pulled the trigger.  The beam of light was quicker than Picard's reflexes would ever be; Picard fell to the his knees:

"Apparently not," Picard croaked.  He fell forward, landing in a puff of dust.

"He really is the idiot that Q said he is," Kirk growled.

"Winner, Kirk," Pike stated tediously.

"Get that body out of my arena," Kirk spat.  He turned, mumbling:  "I thought that this would be a challenge."

*** * * * ***

Sisko turned, solemnly gazing at the woman before him:

"Janeway, aren't you?" he inquired.

"That's right," Kathryn examined the phaser she was holding:  it was a bit of a relic, she hadn't used one in at least five years.  She exchanged it for the familiar feel of the phaser compression rifle.

"Round Two," Pike called.

"I thought that you had died," Sisko stated.  "Missing in action, lost in the Badlands on a mission to capture a Maquis vessel."

"They were wrong."

"Excuse me?"

" _Voyager_  was transported 75,000 lightyears to the Delta Quadrant," she answered.

Sisko laughed:

"You had me going there for a minute."  Janeway stared at him, expressionless.  "You're serious?"  Sisko turned to Kirk:  "Who is she really?"

"Janeway, Kathryn M.," Kirk stated calmly.

"I don't believe you," Sisko stated.  "In fact, I don't believe any of you.."  He was almost yelling by now:  "Are you the prophets?"

"I don't think so," Janeway stated skeptically.

"Well then who are you?  No, don't answer that.  None of you are really here, are you?  You're all just part of my imagination.  All of you are just part of my mind."  Sisko turned back to Janeway:  "You're all in my mind!"

Janeway lifted her phaser-compression rifle.  Within moments, Sisko was down in the dirt.

"Winner, Janeway."

*** * * * ***

"Round Three."  Pike's words echoed throughout the arena.  The spectators, two bald men:  one sweating wildly, the other, unconscious.  By the time he woke, he would have already been transported back to  _DS9_ , and would probably dismiss all of this as a dream.

"Are you ready?"  Kirk's voice had lost the hostility that it had carried before.  Janeway turned to him:

"Ready as I'll ever be," she stated.  "I'm sick of playing your games, Kirk."  She threw her rifle out of both officers' reach.

"You're surrendering?"

"Don't be a fool," she stated.  "Why should I offer any contribution to your little diversion?  You're so certain that you're going to win, why even have this pointless conflict?"  Kirk lowered his phaser and stepped towards Janeway:

"Of course, we don't have to continue with the competition...  we could always consider it a stalemate.  How would you like to come to my quarters and have dinner?"

"If you think that's going to work, you're even more self-deluded than I thought," she answered.  Kirk shrugged and turned:

"By the way, nice boots."

"Don't do it, Kirk," Picard yelled:  "There are solutions better than using violence..."  Kirk spat:

"Shut up..."

At that point, Kirk lost consciousness.  Picard was wondering how anyone could kick so high, and Janeway was simply overjoyed that the man lying at her feet had finally succumbed to his own last words.

"I hate it when men stare at my boots."  She turned and picked up her phaser compression rifle, brushing it off.  Hands suddenly enclosed her ankle, and she whirled... only to find Jean-Luc Picard kissing her feet:

"You are my queen!  You are my queen!"

 

*** * * * ***

The  _USS Voyager_  traveled silently through a nebula.  As it passed out into normal space, a presence passed through the gray hull.  Not really there, yet it was.  It was really many, and was all-knowing, all-seeing:  it was always present.  Sometimes, one can even feel its quintessence.  Without it, the  _Enterprise, Defiant, Deep Space Nine_ , and yes, even  _Voyager_  would never have existed.  Maybe the original would have been born, but it never would have survived.

As this entity floated unseen down the corridors, it came to a door.  It passed through this portal into the darkened quarters, aware of the vase with a single rose and a silver watch that lay on the desk.

Passing from the living quarters into the bedroom, it found the sleeping figure of a woman.  A dusty uniform lay thrown across the back of a chair, boots beneath it on the floor.  The bathroom mirrors were still steamed, the bathtub only having been empty less than an hour.  Tucked between the midnight blue sheets, Kathryn Janeway slept, a smile still tugging at her lips. *****

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by the article "Comparing the Captains: Kirk vs. Picard," which was published in TV Guide's Star Trek: Four Generations of Stars, Stories, and Strange New Worlds.
> 
> The quote: "I hate it when men stare at my boots" is a line borrowed from Catherine Bell/Sarah "Mac" MacKenzie in Jag's "Someone To Watch Over Annie."
> 
> The quote: "You are my queen!" is from a Kate Mulgrew interview that was on PeopleOnline forever ago.
> 
> Best Captain was dedicated to Kate Mulgrew and i mean in no way to infringe upon her rights. The entity represents Star Trek's fans and was super meta of me. I probably wrote this by the summer of 1996 but am not 100% of the actual date.


End file.
